I am declaring 2008 The Year of the Baby. Off the top of my head I can think of five people close to me who are pregnant and two people with newborns at home. Since I bowed out of the baby business in 2004 after bringing one home every other year since 1997, I thought I would offer up some of my best 'baby' advice (or assvice, it could be either):
- 1. Parenthood is not a competitive sport.
- One of the biggest shocks to me as a new mom (besides how little sleep I was getting) was how judgemental other mothers could be if you didn't do something exactly the same way that they did. There were the attachment v. non-attachment parents (I did some AP things like baby-wearing and co-sleeping; but not everything). There was the ever-popular breast v. bottle debate (I breastfed, but I never thought it made me "superior." I was just too cheap to buy formula and too lazy to make a bottle in the middle of the night. Also, it worked for me and it doesn't work for every mom.) And I also seem to remember a lot of controversy about whether or not you followed some guy named Dr. Ezzo. He sounded a little harsh to me with his very disciplined approach to parenting (remember "lazy and cheap mom"), but the flame wars for and against him back on our old MSN parenting bulletin boards were legendary. What I learned over the course of bringing four children into the world and spending ten years as a member of a very diverse online mom group (appropriately dubbed "The Hen House") is that there is no "right" way to be a good parent. You just do what works best for you and your children reserving to right to switch things up if YOU want to and to take and leave whatever advice, or assvice, you receive along the way. And if it works for you and the kids, you owe no one an apology or explanation.
2. SLEEP WHEN THE BABY SLEEPS!
You see this in just about every piece of parenting literature ever printed and it is there for a REASON. There will be plenty of time to clean the house when you are sleeping through the night again. Right now, it's all about survival.
3. Take Turns
When we brought Natalie home, I practically had to chase Dave down when he got home from work so that I could wash my face, run the dishwasher, and go to the bathroom in peace. His argument was that he had just put in a hard day's work and didn't want to "babysit." I would type up my response to that, but I'm trying to keep things clean here. He eventually figured it out, but only after a lot of tears on my part. While dealing with a fussy baby may not have been as physically draining as fixing jet engines all day, it was still a definite strain on me. This didn't mean I didn't love Natalie or that I wasn't ready to become a mother-it just meant it's tough to bring a baby home and couples should pull together and realize they are in this as a team. And if mom or dad is staying home as the primary caregiver, he or she needs a break come dinner time. No matter how bad your day on the job was.
4. Colic is THE WORST, but it will eventually pass
Part of the reason Dave wasn't so gung-ho to hold his new daughter was because she screamed for pretty much the first 6 weeks of her life. There were daily words exchanged about which one of us had a tougher time of it until, quite suddenly, she quit crying and started smiling and laughing. At which point everyone got along much better. They did a government study a few years ago that revealed an infant with colic can create stress in a marriage relationship. Really? Ya think? My reaction was two fold-First, was a sarcastic "I'm SO glad they spent government money to puzzle that one out." And second, "Why the heck didn't I get any of that government money?"
5. Your baby is tougher than you think
I'm not saying his or her first year of life is the time to sign them up for Little League football or anything, but I literally spent 75% of my day worried that Natalie would stop breathing unless I watched her every second. I really want some of that 75% back now. Yes, it is scary to be completely responsible for the well-being of something so very tiny and precious, but remember to enjoy it too because they don't stay that way for very long.
6. Enjoy it while it lasts
You bring the baby home and it is completely helpless. Then, pretty soon, it starts to hold its head up, smile and laugh, then he or she rolls over when you least expect it, then they sit, crawl, stand, and walk (in whatever order THEY decide) and before you know it-they're a year old and you now have a toddler. And that's fun too, but the toddler years last quit a bit longer and include less fun milestones like temper tantrums and potty training.
7. You don't need designer clothes just yet
We were fairly broke when Natalie came along, but I was even willing to clean people's houses to be sure and buy her the latest toys (Beanie babies-ask me how often she played with them) and whatever clothing label all the other babies were wearing. She could have cared less. Save your money until they are old enough to start demanding iPods and a Limited Too wardrobe. It will happen soon enough. Trust me.
8. Don't forget you are still a wife or husband
It is very easy to fall into the trap of becoming so engrossed in your baby that neither one of you pays each other the attention you still need and deserve. Because I breastfed, going out was hard, but we managed it a few times in the first year of each of our babies' lives. Though we have had many good date nights since then, the rare ones squeezed in between feedings when each of our children were very small are still my most memorable.
9. Just because her birthday is the week before Mother's Day doesn't mean you can just let Mother's Day pass unacknowledged because you got her a good birthday gift!!
Did I just type that up for everyone to see? I think that one just applies to my husband, and it's been too late for almost ten years now.. Oh well, I'm leaving it up there. There should be some poor mom out there that benefits from Dave's mistakes. And seriously, her first Mother's Day-it's big. Don't ignore it.
10. No matter how big the burp cloth, the spit-up will still find a way to get on your clothes.
Self-explanatory
11. Particularly messy diapers will only present themselves when you need to be somewhere in about 15 minutes. Usually, it's the Dr.'s office or a portrait studio. The nicer baby's outfit, the bigger the mess will be in proportion.
Also self-explanatory
12. Write down, videotape, and photograph as much of the first year as you can!
Sleep-deprivation will make you forget most of it otherwise.
13. I don't know who wrote that becoming a parent means that your heart now lives outside your body, but I certainly agree with them.
As Vicki Iovine once said "Welcome to the world of the perpetually vulnerable.
Congratulations to all the new parents and parents-to-be both in my life and beyond!
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