Riding in Cars with my Daughter

Natalie and I have some of our best talks in the car. I think it's because my need to face the road and not her, and her relative anonymity in the backseat makes it not unlike a confessional experience for us. On Saturday, Natalie was invited to a birthday party. It was already a little bit deja vu for me because the party was at the OU Pool where I used to walk from my parent's little rent house near campus almost daily in the summer from grades 4th-6th. (I would NEVER let my children do this. I'd say "what were my parents thinking"? but back then, we all did it.) It was also pretty neat because it was a party for the niece of one of my close friends from middle school and high school. In fact, because Natalie will be attending a different middle school than the one her elementary school feeds into, this young lady is the only person she will know at the start of the school year. That touches me too, because I met her aunt during the first week of 7th grade right after her family had moved here from Venezuela.

And so, I was trying to explain all the connections to Natalie as we drove to the pool. This friend and some of our trials have been mentioned on this blog here, but I was hoping not to get into all of that with my 11 year-old daughter who still thinks I'm a pretty decent person. And of course, the first thing she asked was "why don't we know her as well as we do Aunt Chris, Aunt Wendy, and Aunt Lanie?" I guess I could have fibbed and chalked it all up to her going to France as part of an exchange program just after high school or because she married and moved away many years ago. However, I deal in honesty with my children and while Natalie didn't need the full, detailed story; I did tell her that I let a stupid boy that I liked come between us. That he had done so because he wanted to isolate me from my friends so that he had more control over me. And that I had been too afraid to defy him because I was worried no one else would ever think I was cute or want to marry me if I did anything to make him go away. I went on to tell her that the other "aunts" in her life were a little younger than I was which mattered more back then, and he didn't find their proxemity to me as threatening. Her response? "Boy did he underestimate them, Mom!" (She SO gets it, I love her.) I told her that I had been very wrong to do that. That I wished she knew C's aunt as well as she did my other friends. That yes, we had made up and I no longer felt guilty, but that there are years we could have had as friends that we will never get back now. I told her that once I had finally shaken this jerk loose, there had been many other boys who wanted to date me and that I had had no problems finding a husband and that it was foolish to think that the first boy who liked me was the only one who ever would. And finally, I pointed out to her that while I loved her dad and he was a good provider and a good father; at the end of the day it has always been her "aunts" that have pulled me through the roughest times in my life and that I'm glad I never managed to run the rest of them off, even though I can think of several occasions where they would have been wise to leave.

This led to a fairly productive chat between us about why she would have rules for dating that I never did, why I would likely be more over-protective than even her dad was when she did start dating, and some things I've learned about boys in my time. Her comment? "Middle school boys are turning out to be a lot dumber than I thought they would be." (My comment to myself? "YES!") I hope she was listening to what I was saying. I hope she remembers it later when it will matter more to her. I hope she and this niece become good friends at school next year. And I hope Natalie's "aunts" know how very much I love them-and that includes the one I almost lost forever.

*While I hate to take away from the sweet ending to this post. I just have to include the end to our conversation:

Natalie: Mom? There's one piece of mom-advice you forgot to give me just now.
Me: What's that?
Natalie: Never go by yourself to meet someone you talked to first online.
Me: Well, when I was your age, there was no "online."
Natalie: Really?!

And she shot me a look that said she was pretty sure I was just slightly younger than the dinosaurs before joining her friends in the pool.*