So It's Not Always a Wonderful Life,

but for me, it's enough. I've spent a lot of time this week fighting anxiety attacks and panic. Tonight was Back to School night. This will be the third year I've attended that night as this year's PTA President and I did not think I had it in me to do it again. Within minutes of arriving, setting up the table, talking to parents, and selling school t-shirts; I felt differently. I was back in my element. Just like everyone told me I would be. Don't misunderstand, my goal for this school year is to find my replacement for the next one. But I do feel up to the task again.

I don't enjoy being a leader, I don't think it's where my talents lie; but I will admit that over time I have become pretty good at doing this. That doesn't mean it's always fun, in fact it isn't fun that often. But, it needs to be done and I can do it. (And even better? I can use this year to teach others to do it too!) There are many things about this stage in my life that aren't all that easy. My kids are at an age where they both need discipline and resist it at every turn. I'm trying to establish my career about 10 years too late, and I have to be self-motivated to accomplish it all because support for those endeavors is often lacking around here as I've mentioned. But that doesn't mean I feel sorry for myself or that I want others to feel bad for me. If I had had this quote at my disposal two weeks ago, I think it would have helped me to explain myself in many of the conversations I had during my weekend in Colorado. But I didn't read it until yesterday. It's from Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card (which I finally finished last night) and it makes perfect sense to me:

"Humanity does not ask us to be happy. It merely asks us to be brilliant on its behalf. Survival first, then happiness as we can manage it."

-Mazer Rackham

I'll grant you that I'm not saving the world like Ender or Mazer. But, I'm working to make my kids better people which will, in turn, better the world they live in. And I'm working hard to give those kids and teachers at our elementary school at little fun, a little money for field trips and artists-in-residence, and a better experience than they would have were there not a PTA at their school, even though it would be so easy to throw in the towel there sometimes.
This may not be the easiest time in my life, but it's not without its rewards and I have no complaints. Right now, I'm all about surviving. And let's all keep our fingers crossed that somewhere in there I find time to squeeze in some of that happiness too.