What a Year!

About a year ago, I got a message from the new director at the museum where I was about to resume my part-time job after a year's hiatus when Alexis was born. When I saw her number on the caller ID and heard her message to "call the Harn," I knew it meant that budget cutbacks were going to prevent my return. But I was wrong. Instead, she offered me a full-time position as Education Director. At the time, neither of us knew that she would depart the museum within six months leaving me in charge!

I can't believe how fast things changed both at the job and in our life as a family in the last year. This Christmas, we didn't have to go into debt to give our family a nice and not overly extravagant holiday. This summer, we were able to take a couple of small trips and I was even able to take the girls with me to Seattle to visit with their relatives while I enjoyed my annual girlfriend's getaway at the Oregon coast. (Why just the girls? When vacationing with 5 kids, it's all about 'divide and conquer.') And, I was finally able to retire my car for a newer used one. It turns out that having functioning a/c in the car during record summer heat really does help you feel less wiped out at the end of the work day. Who knew?

Even after a year, there are still time-management and scheduling challenges; not to mention the organizational challenges here at the house which I know I bemoan frequently in my infrequent posts here. But we keep working on it, and that's all we can do. But more than the changes in our circumstances, I am also enjoying the changes in the way I live my life. At work, I am the boss and I have to take charge. I can't worry about whether or not each and every one of my decisions is going to please each and every person who takes a tour, books a field trip, or rents the facility. Obviously, we WANT to please these people, but I've had to learn to let go and not freak out at every raised eyebrow, not to back pedal each time someone says "Well, when (insert former Director's name) worked here...," or to flinch at every mother-of-the-bride tantrum. (FYI: I'm not sure why they always call them "Bridezilla's" their moms can be WAY worse.) I've had to sit in front of the financial officers of several foundations and explain to them by myself why we are asking them for money. In short, I've finally proved to myself that the potential so many others have seen in me over the years is really there. I'm not perfect, I make mistakes daily as a mom, as a wife, as a family member, and definitely as an Executive Director. But now I know that those mistakes don't make me less worthy to serve in any of those capacities.

And at almost 40 years-old, that's good to know.

One Minute Writer

Yesterday, The One-Minute Writer asked about a phrase you find yourself using frequently. (The prompt for today wasn't nearly as relevant.) That was easy. My theme for my life right now is "It is what it is." And I say it all the time. "It is what it is" means that even if things go wrong, even if not everybody in the whole wide world thinks I'm awesome, my house is a mess, my kids are fighting, we are running late, or I've got a million deadlines at work I'm racing to keep up with; I will just keep moving forward and doing my best and allowing that not everything will work out perfectly. It is what it is. The End.

Wise Words on Facebook

This morning, a young lady I recently met at a youth conference (Grand Assembly) posted this:

“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.” 

I don't know this young lady well as she was visiting Oklahoma from Illinois for just a brief weekend, so I don't know what life experiences prompted her to share that. My first thought upon reading it was “Why the heck didn’t I live my life that way at 16? (Or even 20?) I could have saved myself a lot of grief. But the more I thought about it (and yes, I can overthink even the smallest posts on Facebook if I let myself), the more I realized that I wasn’t really sorry for any of my teenaged (or early twenty-something) mistakes because each one taught me something, changed me a little bit, and made me who I am now.

Later today, another friend of mine posted quite a different quote on Facebook. I've known this friend for quite a bit longer and I know she is posting this as a woman in her 60’s who has been a mother, and now a grandmother. Who has struggled with health issues. Who has buried a teenaged nephew, her husband, and most recently her brother. She, who has had her heart broken many times over life's events might also advise caution in giving your heart away. But she didn't. Instead, she posted this:

“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief. But the pain of grief is only a shadow when compared with the pain of never risking love” ~ Hilary Stanton Zunin

And I smiled to myself and said, “Now that’s more like it!

Random Thoughts While Cleaning House

When weather closes schools (which also closes the museum), I usually find myself cleaning/reorganizing something in the house to pass the time. Today it was my closet and the pantry. While I was working on these things, I did what I usually do which is to compose blog posts so I have something to write about later on when I sit down at my desk. This is what I came up with today:

If you want to know who genuinely loves you, screw up and make them mad. (I'm not saying you should do this on purpose, because believe me-it will happen anyway.) Once the dust settles, see if they come back around once everyone has cooled off a bit. The ones that were just faking it will scatter without a backward glance. The ones who are in it for the long haul will find a way to work things out with you. Or such has been my experience. In other words, there are those who talk the talk and those who walk the walk. I'm grateful to have so many 'walkers' in my life, because goodness knows I'm not perfect. And, as a busy working mom of 5, I'm glad to be rid of the 'talkers' when they go because I only have so many minutes in my day and I'd hate to waste them on people who don't deserve them.

Of course, if you're stalker, there's a whole different set of rules. But THAT is a whole 'nother blog post. ;)

11 in 2011

Again, this is a writing exercise borrowed from elsewhere, but definitely worth posting here too. If I manage to do even 2-3 of these in 2011, I will be happy. But I listed all 11 just the same.

1. Find Time for Regular Exercise-While I would love to lose weight (and according to the BMI charts, I should lose about 25 lbs.), what bothers me most is how hopelessly out of shape I am. I strained my back just by getting into the car a few weeks ago-not good. So finding time for exercise it is!
2. Organize my Home/Time-I like to think of myself as a creative free-spirit, but the facts are that I work full-time and I have 5 kids. Some daily attention needs to be paid to meals, laundry, and general pick-up or I lose control of this house and lose entire weekends trying to put it back together.
3. Writing-Whether it is posting here or to my personal blog or to remembering my oft-neglected screenplay in my Documents folder, I thrive when I am writing and I need to make it a priority.
4. LASIK-This is probably my most concrete item on the list. I want to have this done before I am 40 and my 39th birthday approaches in May. I like to blame money for not doing things that will take a time commitment and some effort on my part. And while this will be costly, it's really more of a fear of the unknown that holds me back. But I keep telling myself that this is my year to get it done and I am determined to make it happen.
5. Work on my People Skills-Just because I don't like dealing with rude/whiny adults doesn't mean that I won't have to throughout the course of my life. And I need to learn to do that better than I do now. (Which is by saying "I'm sorry" a lot, but not really knowing how to compromise without either doing nothing that really improves their situation or completely caving and doing exactly what they want which rarely improves mine.)
6. More Professional Networking-I'm about as skilled at this as I am dealing with annoying people, but I do see the value in it. I joined LinkedIn, but I know that's just the jumping off point. (I have a Master's in Museum Studies and currently work as the Education Director at a metro area museum.)
7.  Stay Connected with Family-This year saw the high of a wedding and the low of an unexpected funeral, but both reminded me that we all love and need each other; even if we are a bit of a dysfunctional mess.
8. Do more Structured Activities with the Kids-We've got the 'sit around in front of the tv' covered, but most of my kids are old enough to enjoy museums, ride rides at amusement parks, and be an actual help in setting up a camping area. We did a lot of these things when they were too small to appreciate them, we need to do more of it now that they can actively participate.
9. See More Movies before they Go to Video-I love the whole experience of going to the movies and I rarely do it anymore. Yes, it saves money; but I miss doing it.
10. Read Good Books-I still have my list of "the classics" that they handed out in high school. I've read several, but I need to read more of them.
11. Stop Fearing my Kitchen-I decided some years ago after a few kitchen failures that I was a "bad cook." I think now that I just didn't have enough practice. There are a few websites (Pioneer Woman Cooks being one of them) that show you the step by step process of making some pretty tasty meals. I've made a few in this last week. In the next year, I want to make more.

Merry Christmas to Me!

Yesterday, my best friend called my husband to give him some advice about my Christmas present. (Something I encourage her to keep doing for all future birthdays or any other gift-giving occasion.) On this occasion, I was one step ahead of both of them. This had arrived in the mail the day before her phone call. It looks as if I bought myself an early Christmas present! I thought it best to get it before I started all of that holiday baking. 

I've wanted one of these since I was newly engaged and contemplating my registry. Did I put it on there? Of course not. A Kitchen Aid is top-of-the-line and my baking skills were not. I told myself I didn't deserve it and left it off lest any of our friends and family take a look at my registry and laugh at how undeserving I was of such a luxury item. I didn't think much of myself when I was 24, apparently.

A few years later, I bought a cheap mixer from KMart. I guess I was "worthy" of that one. Unfortunately, its motor would wear out midway through the second batch of cookie dough and I spent more time letting it "rest" than I did using it. But I never got rid of it either because, let's face it, who was I fooling about my kitchen skills or any other domestic skills for that matter? And besides, hadn't I just spent a whole $35 dollars on this contraption? I would hate to let that kind of money go to waste. Apparently, I didn't feel much better about myself at 28 even though I was holding down the fort, paying down debts, and otherwise taking care of myself and my two very young babies quite admirably while their Dad was deployed to Bosnia.

Needless to say, I've hit my stride at 38. I've finally realized many things. Not the least of them is that while I may not "deserve" such a machine (or many of the other blessings I enjoy), none of us really "deserve" anything do we? And if I was going to wait around to do nice things for myself until I did "deserve" them, I would be waiting a long time. However, I wanted a good quality mixer and I had kept a count in the last year of each time I would have used one if I owned it. That number justified the purchase and because I work hard both in my home and outside of it and earn my own money, I knew I could purchase one without wrecking the family finances or pulling out a credit card. So I ignored those little "you aren't good enough" voices and ordered one with that part of my paycheck that doesn't pay for theatre classes, the after-school program, gasoline, or the bills Dave and I assigned to me when I started my job. Which means I've been putting a little bit aside each month and watching for a good price. Those things coincided last week and I ordered it before I lost my nerve.

While it would have been a thoughtful gift this Christmas, much like my pearl necklace, I think this was one of those things that meant much more coming from me. Do I "deserve" it? Probably not. But I'm glad I finally got it. And I don't just mean the mixer. :)

30 Days of Honesty: 16-20

Day 16: Someone or something you definitely could live without:

Without naming names, I could really do without people who are entitled and/or self-righteous. And while I'm on the subject, people who think I need them as my own personal life coach could go too. (What can I say? Interacting with the public at my job on a daily basis has made me quite the cynic.)

Day 17: A Book that You've Read that Changed Your Views on Something

The Cider House Rules by John Irving. I didn't care much for the movie adaptation, but the book changed my political views forever. Which segues nicely for the next entry...

Day 18: Your Views on Gay Marriage

Before you cringe in anticipation of the diatribe, have no fear. All I have to say here and now is that I'm for it. I'm done debating it. I'm sick of hearing "civil unions-fine, but marriage-NO!" Maybe it's because I live in a state with one of the highest divorce rates in the country, maybe it's because I have so many wonderful gay people in my life; but I have seen some pretty serious marital travesties between a man and a woman and I don't think the gay population could screw up the fine institution of marriage any more than their straight counterparts already have. Make no mistake, I don't think any church should be compelled to perform such a ceremony if it goes against their doctrine; I just don't think any church has the right to take their doctrine and turn it into  federal law. (Even when that church happens to be my church.) And it's not just about gay marriage for me, it's about any law that would compel the American population to abide by the tenants of any particular religion. I have serious issues with crossing the line between church and state. Didn't we come to America to avoid that in the first place? (OK, so there was a small diatribe there. Sorry.)

Day 19: What Do You Think of Religion? Or What Do You Think of Politics?

I think I may have covered this somewhat in my last answer, but I am grateful for the chance to elaborate. A lot of people think that my aversion to mixing religion and politics reflects some kind of shortfall in my own beliefs. A lot of people are ignorant. Long-time readers of this blog know that when I was 20 years old, I defied the wishes of my family and sacrificed some very good friendships to join the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. Two years later, I gave up 18 months of my life and the remainder of my college savings to serve a mission in Italy. Have you ever tried being a Mormon missionary in Catholic Italy? To call it "character building" is an incredibly hollow understatement, but we'll go with it anyway. Maybe "character defining" works better?

Upon returning home, I fell in love with a non-Mormon who I felt would make a wonderful husband and I absolutely refused to marry him until he joined the church. Since then, I have spent my marriage devoted to teaching the gospel not only to our 5 children, but to him as well. I have no parenting precedent for raising my children to be faithful in any church as my parents didn't use religion while raising me or my sisters, but I have persisted for almost 14 years now making sure my kids attend church, say prayers, read their scriptures, and participate in Family Home Evenings. Do I do this perfectly or even conventionally? Probably not. But I do it, and that counts. There are no shortcomings in my commitment to the church just as there are none in my belief in God, my Savior, and all the other things that fall into place as a result of believing in the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost and I would not still be active in a very demanding and encompassing religious faith if I were not 100% committed to it. I do what I do out of love and devotion because there is NO ONE in my life or my husband's who would object if we gave it up-in fact, I think they might throw a party.

The difference that seems to get me into trouble is that I find these things so intensely sacred and so intensely personal that I would never think of imposing them on others. I acknowledge their sacredness to me while also acknowledging that others' beliefs and lifestyles are equally sacred to them. That does not mean that I do not share my personal beliefs when I am asked about them. As I mentioned above, I shared them daily as a full-time missionary. However, I would never presume that MY way is the ONLY way. I respect the individual thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and lifestyles of others far too much to ever presume that just because I am doing what is right for me, that what they are doing is wrong just because it's different from the way I would do it. And because I respect those differences, I would never vote in a way that precludes them from living their life; just as I hope they would do the same for me. Religion is personal, politics are national; and I think things should stay that way.

Day 20: Your Views on Drugs and Alcohol

I think both have their uses and abuses and, given my somewhat addictive personality; it's probably a good thing that I don't partake in them. I don't care if people drink around me (though I'm glad my friends have outgrown the 'drink 'till you puke' stage). In fact, I find it entertaining. But, if you're drunk, DO NOT drive. That's what I'm for, right? (And if you are my friend John and you call me for a ride, stay where you were when you called! Don't wander around some random neighborhood making me look for you so I can take your drunk self home. Though that was pretty funny. Anyway...) With the exception of medical marijuana, which I am completely in favor of, drugs make me a little more nervous because they seem much more addictive. (I'm not saying they are, this is just my observation.) Keeping in mind that the sum total of my experiences with drugs involve contact highs at U2 and Tom Petty concerts, so take my words with that grain of salt.

30 Days of Honesty: 11-15

Before I get started, can you believe this month is halfway finished?! Me either.

Day 11: Something People Seem to Compliment You the Most on

My writing, my sense of humor, and my teaching skills. I also get tons of compliments on how well "such a BIG family of children" behaves in public. I'm not sure I should get all the credit for that last one, but considering all the time I spent gestating and birthing them; I'll take it anyway.

Day 12: Something You Never Get Compliments On

My organizational skills and my handwriting-and that's with GOOD reason. ;)

Day 13: A Band or Artist that Got You Through Some Tough Days

I'm supposed to write a letter here, but I use music to cope and have for quite some time. Writing a letter to each artist would take longer than I have to spend blogging tonight, so I am going to cheat and make a list instead. In no particular order, here are the artists that have helped me get through the bad times (and the good): Billy Joel, U2, Meatloaf, Queen, Michael W. Smith, Michael McLean (no one is more embarrassed than me to own up to that one), Hilary Weeks, Amy Grant, Jann Arden, and Tori Amos.

Day 14: A Hero That Has Let You Down (write a letter)

Dear Amy Grant,

Once upon a time, I wanted your life. It was when you released your Christmas album in the early 90's. You were such a good Christian, had such a beautiful family, and you were such a knock-out yourself. I had admired you since middle school. Just when I didn't think I could admire you more, I heard you were getting divorced and, soon thereafter, marrying Vince Gill. I was horrified and scandalized and I called myself "disillusioned."

I am writing this not to bring you to task, but to apologize for being such a young, judgmental little twit. Your personal life was NEVER any of my business and who was I to ever think I knew anything about the challenges of any marriage, much less one involving celebrity AND several children. I've been married and raising a family for many years myself and, while I'll never be famous, I get that it's SO hard. And that's on a good day.

I'm glad you have found some peace and joy in your life. I understand now in ways that I couldn't have back then why the song "Better than a Hallelujah" comes from a much stronger and better place than the ones you used to sing about that first marriage back when you were younger too. And again, I apologize for ever thinking less of you for being just as human as the rest of us. I hope you can forgive one of your biggest fans.

Day 15: Something You Can't Live Without, Because You've Tried Living Without It:

My Masonic family. It's good to be home again.

30 Days of Honesty: 1-5

I found this at One Gal's Musings who found it originally via Snarkela. I'm hoping to do this once every 5 days throughout the month of November. I hope it won't be all that I post this month, but even if it is; it would be an improvement on my current posting schedule. Am I right?




30 Days of Honesty


Day 1 : Something you hate about yourself. My completely disorganized brain. I come by it legitimately with both Gerstmann's syndrome and ADD, but if I managed to make good grades, get into the Gifted program, and sail through four years of high school and college with effort that wasn't all it should have been at times; why can't I organize this house and manage my time? (And I paid for all that coasting in grad school, just so you know.)

Day 2 : Something you love about yourself. My snarky and often inappropriate sense of humor.


Day 3 : Something you have to forgive yourself for. Falling short. I've thought about this a lot, and I think I still really struggle with the idea of grace and forgiveness. For me, that is. I've got no problem believing everyone else is forgiven for their imperfections and failings, but mine still seem unacceptable even though I know there are MUCH WORSE people out there than me. (Really.)



Day 4 : Something you have to forgive someone for. Not being the person I thought they were. I say that I can accept the concept of grace/forgiveness more easily in the lives of others than my own, and this is true. But it's still not easy for me to forgive anyone who disappoints me. I know God can forgive them, sometimes it's hard for me to do likewise.

Day 5 : Something you hope to do in your life. I guess this is where I should round things out by saying "forgive myself and others for our imperfections," but really...I hope to travel again. I miss it.

Repetitive Much?

Although it's tempting, I'm not going to take down that last post. However, I will apologize for repeating that particular theme so often on my blog. After I posted it last night, I remembered about three other posts that are eerily similar to it that I have already written. I like what I wrote, but I failed to cover the process that helped me arrive at my most recent conclusions; and that is what I really wanted to write about last night: the process. A new work week is beginning, a trip to Seattle for a family wedding is looming; so I'm not sure when I will be able to write what I actually wanted here. But I did want to let anyone who has been kind enough to read here for any amount of time that I'm very aware I just reinvented the wheel with that last one, and I will try to write something more interesting when time permits.

*Ironically, I just finished chaperoning a District Weekend at Lake Eufaula. The motel had plentiful WiFi and I brought my laptop in anticipation of that, but even when I did have a little spare time; I had no inclination to do anything but live in the moment with my daughter and the other girls. And I offer no apology for that whatsoever. :)

Why I'm Still Here

With a hat tip to the lovely AGK who posted this on Facebook at just the right time:


‎"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." -Harvey Fierstein


Or as one of my very favorite movies stars once said:


"Do you hear that, New York?! The frog is staying!!" -Kermit the Frog, The Muppets Take Manhattan


More to come...

A Sign I Shouldn't Quit After All?

Yes, I know I said I thought I was done here. I still may be. BUT, thanks to my friend Allie @ ScrewedUpTexan, I did fix the Comment section. Oh, and I had to physically restrain myself from writing a post for the RHOK's McLinky Monday round-up. So, maybe I'm not as retired as I thought I was...in the meantime, Comments are open! Be nice or be laughed at, it's your choice.

Epilogue?

As I wrote the last two entries, I wondered it I haven't possibly reached a stopping place for this blog. I started it as an overwhelmed Museum Studies student with a lot of unresolved personal issues. Since then, I've graduated, added another child, more or less figured out who I am as a mother and made peace with the fact that I'm on my own in that journey. My mother is who she is, and that isn't going to change. I do feel that she is owed a certain debt of gratitude and respect simply for the fact that she brought me into this world and gave me a place to live for the first 18 years of my life-even though that place was, well, what it was. She may not have made much of a home, but she did teach me to love good books, dry wit, and a good theatrical performance. And the appreciation of these things has definitely improved my quality of life as an adult. She also basically wrote a "what NOT to do" textbook on parenthood, and my children benefit daily from my attempts to avoid her mistakes. As I said, she is who she is and I'm finally OK with that. Writing about my issues with her, as well as many other crises I once felt were unresolved, has brought me a certain peace with most of what still plagued me six years ago. Of course there are things that still hurt, still things that aren't completely "fixed," but everything is at a manageable level for me now.

I still have trials, I still have hurts, and I still have questions; but overall I am more at peace with the way things are than I ever have been previously. I have children I am proud of and a home that feels like one. I have that longed-for Master's Degree and the chance to finally prove myself as a professional. I have amazing friends, and if I ever feel that God shorted me a little bit in the "mom" department; all I need is to think of the back-up family He provided me with to compensate for that. We've had some wonderful times together through the years, and I'm glad so much of that is documented here. (I think you all know who you are.) My marriage may not be perfect, but we've made it almost 14 years now; and I know a lot of people who can't stay the same. We are a work in progress, and I am OK with that.

I can't commit to eliminating this blog completely, I enjoy writing and have that compulsive "need" to write for too often to walk away completely. But let's face it, even at its most read (probably 2006ish), this blog was never going to be huge. And even with the comments back on; it's been a long time since anyone left anything worthwhile here. I have had a Wordpress account for years, and often debate making the switch because I can password protect certain posts there. But I doubt my abilities when it comes to actually exporting from one server to another. And wouldn't it be depressing to lose the 25 regular readers I have left? Because we are starting a new school year next Thursday, and I'm starting the new job the following Monday; I think I will just put things on hiatus-if anyone out there is still reading anyway. When something too good not to write about happens, I'll share it. If I make the move to Wordpress, I'll share that too. Until then, goodnight and thanks for reading.

A Fairytale in Two Parts (Part 2)

After a wonderful opening graduate college seminar that netted her 6 hours of graduate level "A," our heroine got tripped up by the same thing that had been tripping her up for the past 5 years; she got pregnant. And oh, was she ever sick this time. To make matters worse, her 3 year-old son was being tossed out of pre-schools right and left and the pre-school directors were throwing out words like ADD and 'not very bright' (That was Trinity Lutheran Pre-School, they were DEAD WRONG about this little boy's IQ and morally wrong to tell his parents "It's God's Will that he leave our school" but anyway...) While the boy may indeed have had ADD, three year-olds do not need medication and because she was unwilling to medicate him, she had no place for him to stay during the day. Because she had no school for her active three year-old and because she was 0h-so-sick, she couldn't keep up with her other Master's level class and she had to withdraw without a refund. (Something that really bothered her given the amount of Tupperware she had to sell to pay for that class.) She was at the end of her rope...her Dr. ruled out Celexa during a pregnancy and suggest she find another outlet. And so...she started a blog.


From this point, many of you know the story. She took a double class load the next semester. She had another sweet baby girl just after finals. She took that summer off to enjoy her. She sent her son to Pre-K in the Fall and discovered the PTA. She worked hard at her coursework, she volunteered at the Sam Noble museum and fell that much more in love with museum education programs. She thought she might like to run one, someday. Then, she stopped dreaming and kept working. She spent three years simultaneously raising four children, getting a Master's degree, running the PTA, and serving in various church callings. Her husband switched to the night shift at work so that between the two of them, the kids always had a parent at home. She and her husband found their dream house and bought just months before the real estate bubble burst. She finished all her coursework and started an Internship at the H.H. museum. She put her 3 year-old in pre-school for the entire day, and it didn't destroy her family. She worked hard for the PTA in the early mornings, she worked hard for the Harn all day, and she took care of her family all night. The next morning, everything repeated itself. It was exhausting...any yet so very rewarding.


She finished her Internship and graduated from OU. She could now add the letters "M.L.S." to the "B.A." on her resume' and in her signature. It may not have mattered to anyone else in her life, but it mattered to her. While the H.H. had no need of a Museum Education specialist, they did need a registrar. So she became one. She used her textbooks and museum training classes to make sure she was doing it right. During temperate months, she donned a prairie dress and taught visiting groups of school kids. During hot and cold weather she catalogued artifacts. All the while, she still raised four kids and began to serve her church in an even bigger capacity. She had a little money, so she did a little traveling. She met people in person she had been friends with online for years. She took trips with her local girlfriends that they had only dreamed of as high schoolers. Life was good and she blogged all about it And then...just as in 2004, that same stumbling block crossed her path one last time. She was going to have one more baby.


This time, she embraced it. She enjoyed the pregnancy. She left her job knowing that a poor economy and time off with her baby might make her fairly unemployable for years to come, but she trusted that all would be well and didn't look back. She had her baby and enjoyed her time with her. She found it harder to write. She endured some betrayal from several sources in her life and reevaluated her priorities. And the writing didn't flow anymore. She found some new passions and joys in her life and rediscovered others. And still, she tried to write. She tested out baby wearing, cloth diapering, homemade baby food, and frugal living and added parts of everything she enjoyed about those to her family's lifestyle. She was thrilled to spend the spring working on an hourly basis at the museum. She agreed to return to part-time in the Fall. She got too busy to write. She had a difficult summer. 


Members of her husband's family found her blog, wrote her scathing notes, and blocked her on Facebook* She wondered why she had spent so many years trying to be nice to people who were NEVER going to like her and she was angry at the wasted time/effort/and (occasionally) money. The museum director she had always worked for left the H.H. and she just knew that spelled the end for her ever working there again. She wondered if she had lost what little foothold she held in the museum community. She thought about the years she had spent working for as little money as possible to make a name and resume' for herself and began to question every decision she ever made. She COULD NOT WRITE. And then...she got a phone call. She saw it was the H.H. and assumed that, as she had feared, her part-time job in the Fall was no more. She was wrong. As it turned out, the museum job she had her eye on from the first time she began working in museums was open. Did she want to forego the part-time job and be the Education Director instead? Yes she did! And that's how our heroine went from an at-home mom drowning in housework, kids, and a lot of other things she was always taught she would love, but never could get excited about; to having her dream job. She starts at the end of the month, and she can bring the baby with her on any day she isn't teaching. And while no one lives 'happily ever after' on this side of the veil; she is certainly going to try. And there seems to be no more problems with her writer's block anymore either.

THE END

"A Fairytale in Two Parts" is an original work by Melessa Lawson Gregg, 

B.A. 1994 Classics/Latin/Education, M.L.S. 2007 Museum Studies/Museum Education

Like all blog posts here, it is the personal property of the author. Any reproduction, copying, or outright stealing of this material without proper citation is illegal and subject to prosecution.

*FYI: People can hide me and/or block their status updates from me if they must, but DO NOT drop and block me. I always figure it out and I always think less of people who do it. Seriously, there are people I went out of my way to avoid at Stake Conference and my most recent high school reunion because I knew they had done this to me. And if you are part of my family? Well, there's just no excuse for that IMHO. What can I say? I'm easily hurt.

On Life and Those Other Plans...

Limited Internet access has increased my reading time dramatically. I've been reading a lot of my writing and screenwriting books. This has, in turn, compelled me to dive into my oft-revisited and never completed screenplay. I consider this to be a good thing. I also think I have reached the place in my life where I am truly past the angst that the screenplay depicts, which means I can just enjoy the journey of writing it now.

I went to two reunions this weekend: My official 20 year high school reunion and an unofficial gathering of the Masonic-affiliated youth groups from the 80's. Both were fun, although so many of us have come back to our Masonic youth group roots as leaders now that I see most of those people on a fairly regular basis anyway. Still, as my screenplay is about my experiences growing up as a Rainbow Girl, the reunion did provide some pretty good writing material.

Of course, I would have been at that second reunion anyway, because it was held at one of the biggest dances of the year and my Rainbow girls just HAD to be there. As I watched them primp in our hotel room and later dance and flirt (the older ones, that art is still lost on Natalie-thank goodness!); I realized yet again that those ships have sailed for me and that it's all about them now. I'm very happy about that. I know I'm not old enough yet to channel Maurice Chevalier's "Not Young Anymore" song from Gigi, but that is how I feel about the situation. One of the recurring discussions of the evening was "I don't know when we got old enough to be the adults in charge, but it's good to be back and even better that my kid can have the same experiences that I did growing up." It brings a certain peace and closure to the wild rides many of us experienced together as adolescents and makes all of us a lot more OK with the fact that, though many of us tried to leave, it's all right that we wound up right back in the same place where we started.

I am grateful for the life I have at the moment. If not all of the circumstances, then at least the place I am within myself to cope with the highs and lows and the way my life has turned out so far. Which is not to say that I don't expect things to change in my next 40 years or so, it just means that I feel much more prepared to weather those years in contrast to how I have coped previously. I am grateful to be the mother of so many healthy, bright, wonderful kids. I'm not a perfect mother to them, but I am a good one. I love our little house in the boonies even though it's in desperate need of updates in so many places. For the first time, I am truly pleased with 'the little screenplay that could' as it grows scene by scene, little by little most evenings when the kids are sleeping. I don't know if it will ever see the light of day, but I WILL finish it. And that feels good too. I am grateful to be back at Norman Assembly #18, even if the learning curve is still ongoing. I may not be the perfect Mother Advisor yet, but I learn from my mistakes as a Rainbow "Mother" just as I do through trial and error as an actual parent. *To date, I have a running list of what to do differently for Exemplifications, Grand Assembly, and now Conclave on my iPhone. Who knows how long it will be before I spend more time deleting items than adding it, but hopefully I will break even when I've been at it for a year next January*.  I used to think my experiences growing up in Rainbow helped prepare me for service in the church's YW program, but as one of my closest friends observed; I think my experiences with YW actually served to prepare me for my role as a Mother Advisor instead. And frankly, the Lodge is a far more familiar "home" to me than any stake center will ever be and I'm happy to be back there.

I may never publish a word, but between this blog and my screenplay; my compulsive need to write and share is relatively satiated. I am grateful for good friends who 'get' this about me, and slightly amused at the short-sightedness of those who don't. While I always try to see the truth in any criticism that comes my way, and while my writer's soul certainly bears the sting from it for longer than most people; I have ultimately decided that it's hard to find anything constructive coming from anyone who has had more than 10 years to get to know me and has never bothered. (And there's the whole matter of the spelling/grammar flaws, but that's just the over-educated part of me rearing it's ugly head.) Then again, at some point some kind of peace will have to be made because I firmly believe it's our ability to love one another without judgement and without reservation, especially those who are so very different from us, that will truly get us to where we want to be in the next life. And I clearly still need to work on that.

And so, as the slogan goes, "Life is Good." (But I refuse to buy yet another t-shirt, so I probably won't be sporting that logo anytime soon.)

(FYI: Comments will return with my Internet. Operating Comment Moderation from an iPhone is difficult, to say the least, but I'm tired of all the silence myself. The usual Comment rules will apply with the change that my husband has requested that anything labelled "Anonymous" be forwarded first to HIS Inbox for preview from now on, then either promptly deleted, graded for punctuation and spelling errors, or sent back to me for publishing. I'm sorry for the inconvenience that will cause for my friend "Mr. Mapquest," who likes his anonymity. Though frankly, Dave will probably appreciate the laugh, and it's not likely that you will get deleted.)

One Minute Writer: December

I am excited to see some signs of life in my Comment section again and want to keep that momentum. Sadly, I'm lacking in inspiration and time. Then I remembered a blog that my friend Tracy links to called One Minute Writer. Today's topic is the month of December and my plan to make December 2009 what I want it to be. I have one minute to write about this and fortunately my iPhone came with a stopwatch app. So here goes:

"I don't know what my sister and I were thinking having babies in December. My plan for this one is to make sure my oldest daughter has a good birthday and that I don't go broke buying gifts, but don't turn Christmas into a big cheap disappointment either. I'm glad I saved some $$ for this."

That was fun. I may have to try that again sometime. If you would like to play along, I linked to the One Minute Writer in the preceding paragraph. Or you can just tell me what your plans are in the Comment section. Have I mentioned it's good to see those again?

Hmm...

While I now have the technological capability to write and post from my iPhone, I still don't have enough time. Have they come up with an App for that just yet? And, if they have, make sure it just pauses time. Actual time travel might get me in way too much trouble. ;)

Things I Wish That I Had Written

As many of you know, I've been on the receiving end of some "mean girl" treatment at church. (How nice of them to make me feel young again by taking me back to the 7th grade. And here I was fearing that 38th birthday.) But this is certainly not the first time I've dealt with such foolishness. When I was a new member, I once made the mistake of quoting the movie When Harry Met Sally at the Institute building. This prompted a sharp, (feigned), inhalation of shock from one of the other girls (the one who moved here from Seattle and was gone when I got back from my mission-for those of you who want to know) because didn't I know that that was a RATED "R" movie?! Well, obviously I didn't or I wouldn't have been so stupid as to make waves by quoting from it when I had only been a member of the church for about 6 months. In that moment, I remember how badly I wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. Or at least leave the Institute building and never come back. But fortunately, there were a few other people there to soften the blow by admitting that they too had seen the movie and was she sure that was its rating? While I never bothered to check, I'm sure it probably is rated 'R' because I suspect this particular gal used to sit around memorizing lists of rated 'R' movies so she could loudly pass judgement on anyone in her presence who mentioned one in passing. And incidentally, if the worst things my daughters do as teenagers is watch When Harry Met Sally, I'll be one happy mom.

In my church, as I'm sure is the case in most other churches too, there is both the capacity for great love and tolerance amongst ourselves and then there is also great capacity for situations like the one I described above and the one I've dealt with recently. People like my loud gasping 'friend' really annoy me (And she in particular because as a recently returned missionary, she definitely knew better than to treat a new convert like that. FYI: I think I will stop feeling like a new convert when I believe that I really and truly fit in at church, so basically never). Because that attitude of judgement, even when applied to situations that might actually call for strong admonishment, never accomplishes the desired result. As I find myself telling my kids repeatedly, when you treat someone badly "to teach them a lesson" the only lesson they really learn is that you aren't very nice and perhaps they shouldn't trust you. Not that there aren't occasions with our friends and family when some kind of intervention on our parts isn't warranted, but judgemental words and actions will never have the same effect as love and acceptance do. While it may be trite, there is a lot of truth to the statement: People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.

I could write on and on about this, but instead I want you all to read someone else's thoughts on the subject. Apparently, I am not the only person bothered by people and situations like this. Natasha (one of my all-time favorite bloggers) wrote something much better than I ever could and I only hope "Carrie" and "Angie" and all of our other 'gasping in shock' friends get as much from reading her post as I did, though I sadly doubt that they will. You can find it here. Whether you go to our church, another church, or no church at all; it's very good commentary and I wish I had written it myself. And with that, I'm off to read it again and start my day.

1600 Posts!

I celebrated 100 and 1,000 in proper style, but my 1500th post escaped my notice completely. So, I'm stepping away from my Nano writing for just a paragraph or two to celebrate post #1600. If you are new, I apologize for all the angst around here lately, it happens sometimes. If you've been here since the beginning (and you know who you are) all I can say is "thank you." If you are here to find something to hold against me, you've hit the jackpot because I am who I am on this blog. It's acceptable to God, so I apologize if it's not acceptable to you. And having said "sorry," I will just keep on being who I am with or without your approval. One of the most blissful things about getting close to 40 is that my personal filter is thinning just enough to let me be myself in almost every situation and still strong enough to keep me from going over the top with that.

For example, while shopping with my daughter on Saturday, I dragged her to The Children's Place where I can still buy matching outfits for all my children (oh how they love it!). We were looking at holiday dresses when a very snotty sales lady 'reminded' us that only one certain wall was the sale wall. (We were looking at the non-sale wall.) This may have been because they were getting a lot of customers (of the "I can't read" variety) complaining when some items rang up full price. But she was full of attitude when she said it. I smiled and said "do we look cheap to you?" in a very pleasant voice. Because HELLO you work at The Children's Place, not Saks 5th Avenue for crying out loud. Then she left us alone to enjoy our looking because no way was I buying a dress full-price when Children's Place almost always has an online coupon. ;) (I actually AM cheap when it comes to buying kids' clothes, I just don't need some 20 year-old college gal to rub my nose in it on a Saturday morning.)

And speaking of the weekend, it was ultimately good to me. I've finally vented enough and slept enough that I think I'm pretty much over my latest life hurdle as far as the church and the people in it who disappoint me are concerned. I still doubt Natalie will be going to Girls' Camp, but that's because she doesn't want to-who knew the kid wanted to go with Mom? Especially since she said that she didn't. I'm not going to take down or take back anything I've said previously, because it was hurtful and I did need to get it out. However, I'm no longer going to dwell on it. I said a few posts ago that not since I was baptized have I been deliberately mean to someone to "teach them a lesson." And that is true. But only because I had already learned the hard way that you pay a high price when you do something like that. I never want to learn that lesson again. I know the church does not teach karma, but I have seen the 'what comes around goes around' principle at work in the lives of just about everyone I've ever met regardless of their beliefs. So, I'm just going to let this go and let God deal with it instead. He knows the whole story much better than I do anyway.

And with that, my time is up! I've got a baby to nurse, dinner to make, and a Norman Children's Choir concert to attend tonight. Not to mention 1700 words or so to add to my novel in progress. So, Happy 1600! You all keep reading, and I'll keep writing! Actually, I'll keep writing anyway but it sure is nice to have an audience. Thank you.

Last-Minute Entry

I'm not sure how this will work, but I'm taking a deep breath, sitting up straight, and writing. Ready. Set. GO!