Merry Christmas to Me!

Yesterday, my best friend called my husband to give him some advice about my Christmas present. (Something I encourage her to keep doing for all future birthdays or any other gift-giving occasion.) On this occasion, I was one step ahead of both of them. This had arrived in the mail the day before her phone call. It looks as if I bought myself an early Christmas present! I thought it best to get it before I started all of that holiday baking. 

I've wanted one of these since I was newly engaged and contemplating my registry. Did I put it on there? Of course not. A Kitchen Aid is top-of-the-line and my baking skills were not. I told myself I didn't deserve it and left it off lest any of our friends and family take a look at my registry and laugh at how undeserving I was of such a luxury item. I didn't think much of myself when I was 24, apparently.

A few years later, I bought a cheap mixer from KMart. I guess I was "worthy" of that one. Unfortunately, its motor would wear out midway through the second batch of cookie dough and I spent more time letting it "rest" than I did using it. But I never got rid of it either because, let's face it, who was I fooling about my kitchen skills or any other domestic skills for that matter? And besides, hadn't I just spent a whole $35 dollars on this contraption? I would hate to let that kind of money go to waste. Apparently, I didn't feel much better about myself at 28 even though I was holding down the fort, paying down debts, and otherwise taking care of myself and my two very young babies quite admirably while their Dad was deployed to Bosnia.

Needless to say, I've hit my stride at 38. I've finally realized many things. Not the least of them is that while I may not "deserve" such a machine (or many of the other blessings I enjoy), none of us really "deserve" anything do we? And if I was going to wait around to do nice things for myself until I did "deserve" them, I would be waiting a long time. However, I wanted a good quality mixer and I had kept a count in the last year of each time I would have used one if I owned it. That number justified the purchase and because I work hard both in my home and outside of it and earn my own money, I knew I could purchase one without wrecking the family finances or pulling out a credit card. So I ignored those little "you aren't good enough" voices and ordered one with that part of my paycheck that doesn't pay for theatre classes, the after-school program, gasoline, or the bills Dave and I assigned to me when I started my job. Which means I've been putting a little bit aside each month and watching for a good price. Those things coincided last week and I ordered it before I lost my nerve.

While it would have been a thoughtful gift this Christmas, much like my pearl necklace, I think this was one of those things that meant much more coming from me. Do I "deserve" it? Probably not. But I'm glad I finally got it. And I don't just mean the mixer. :)