One More Time

For the record, I had a good Sunday today. For the record, I am grateful to be a part of Blanchard Branch. I am still active and participating at church and I still hold a temple recommend. All of the friends I know and love at church are still my friends, and the following message is directed at just a handful of people who I thought were "nice." As it turns out, they are not. I am just fed up with being on the receiving end of those who have held onto their inner "mean girl" since junior high. If we work so hard to teach our youth not to treat each other like this (and I know we do), why is it OK for the adult women, even the ones who are quite convinced that they do what they do to teach an irreverant gal like me "a lesson"? I maintain that it isn't and I address this post to those of you who 'think' you read my blog and pass around cut and pasted (and usually out-of-context) excerpts in "secret." And while I'm on the subject, I think the Book of Mormon was pretty clear in its opinion of those who pass around secret writings and try to undermine others. But maybe I just wasn't reading it correctly.

For those of you who have had trouble following all the posts that I put up and took down recently, this will be my last installment. (And just so you know, Google Reader keeps those posts and allows people to read with much more anonymity than people who click over here through Internet searches or other people's blogs. I have no idea who my Google subscribers are and don't know how or if I can find out. I have quite the thorough list of IP addresses for anyone else, though.) I hope to leave this one up because I hope the people to whom this is addressed will actually learn something from it. After this, I am done using this blog as the place to discuss the hurtful things that happen at church or at the hands of church members. From now on, I'm going to record said incidents and, no matter how trivial, report them to the proper priesthood authorities instead. The church seems very concerned with our convert retention numbers and wonders why they aren't higher. Right now, I find myself very much on the receiving end of exactly why those numbers aren't what the church would like them to be AND I find myself so completely fed up with the way a handful of people in the church treat each other in the name of  'being a righteous example,' that I will happily provide them with a list of my family's personal experiences with those charmingly "righteous" (or should I say SELF-RIGHTEOUS) saints that would have driven people less believing and less stubborn than I am right out of the church for good.

One of the things I enjoyed most about my most recent calling was getting to meet so many people throughout the stake (If you are late to this party, I was in the Stake YW Presidency, and recently the lone sister to be released from it because "God wants it this way." True or not, that is certainly not the thing to tell someone whose belief that God loves her and values her contribution is tenuous at best.) I didn't grow up in the church, I wasn't around back in the earlier days when most people attended church in the same place before the more convenient smaller branch buildings were constructed; and I finally felt like I knew more people than just the ones who have been in my ward since college. One of the things I feared most about being released from my calling was that I would have to go through the painful experience of finding out how many of those people were actually my friends, and who among them was just being nice to me because I had a stake calling. I once had a boyfriend in college who held a rather high-profile position in our social circle so I already endured that experience once when we broke up for good. As a sensitive, insecure person who is more convinced that people aren't going to like her once they get to know her than trusting that they will; I can't begin to tell you how badly that hurt. And now, I am experiencing it all over again.

Much to my hurt surprise, I learned that there are people gossiping about me AND my family and our worthiness to even belong to the church, much less hold "important" callings. (Yes, I do have enough real friends at church now that these things DO get back to me. Even as far away as my small branch.) And there were people at the various church Halloween get-togethers over the weekend whose behavior towards me and my family stunned me. Their earlier friendliness was indeed an act. Now that I'm "no one" again, they were rude to me. Rude to the point that they ignored me when I walked into a room, and they pretended I had said nothing if I dared to speak in their presence. They ignored the cute baby in my arms after making such a lovely fuss over my pregnant belly at camp last summer. One of them had the nerve to yell at my children over some small offense while I watched her kids commit bigger ones. Whatever imperfections I am guilty of, whatever failings on my part prompted me to be singled out for release from my calling; not since I joined the church have I ever been guilty of treating anyone with the kind of cruelty I have experienced from a few individuals in the last few weeks. I thought we outgrew such things after adolescence.

If any of you (and I suspect some of you lurk here) were involved with the way I have been treated and talked about; I know with quiet assurance that the greater sin lies with you no matter what sin you think you have found me guilty of-and I'm sure there are many, I never pretended to be perfect and I never will. I am extremely forgiving of the shortcomings of others, but extremely mistrusting of those who like to point mine out or be overly critical or me OR my children. Unlike people who grew up in the church, I don't just send my kids off to Primary each Sunday without very critical thought about who their teachers are and whether or not they will be treated decently in their classes. I've reviewed each and every situation from the time I put my oldest into nursery until now. There was one close call when they did a stake-wide Cub Scout Day Camp, but otherwise everyone has passed my silent 'inspection' and been allowed to teach my children. The screening process really isn't that rigorous. I don't have to be someone's friend or even agree with them on every subject to let them teach my kids, but if I don't think that person fundamentally respects me and my family or somehow thinks my poor, spiritually undernourished little ones are "lucky" to be with them for an hour a week instead of us; I won't let them anywhere near my children. As I have already stated, this hasn't been much of an issue in the past, and my kids have been taught by people from all walks of life in the church. Needless to say, not all of these people have been my closest friends, but I knew they would do well with my children and I felt safe leaving them alone in their classrooms. Having heard some of the things that I have through the rumor mill lately, and having been treated with such blatant rudeness recently though; I think that will soon change. Especially with Natalie's 12th birthday coming so quickly. So, if I keep my kids out of your classes or the activities that you may be involved with, please know that I will also be calmly and rationally explaining those decisions to the proper Priesthood authorities and I will be using names and examples when I do it.

Fortunately, for the few of you who have been mean, who have made me second guess why I ever thought I could live out the rest of my life as part of your church flock and who make me want to keep my children as far away from you as possible; there are more of you who have been kind and understanding. There are more of you who have been supportive and reminded me of who I am not just in my Heavenly Father's eyes (His opinion of me will always be something I'm a little insecure about), but who I am in their eyes. And I know that because I believe the way that I do, because my children look to me to teach them about God and about the world, and because I wouldn't give you all the satisfaction of knowing you had successfully run me off; that I can fight this battle and win it. That I can endure to the end, and that I didn't make a mistake when I got baptized 17 years ago. On a more personal note, I also take comfort in knowing that if our celestial mansions end up in the same neighborhood, that I can put a bunch of tacky plastic flowers and silly ceramic statues in my yard just to irritate you. ;) And believe me, I will.