Post something similar to what I wrote yesterday and then take all of your kids to school this morning for their first day. Who knew I had so few friends after 5 years at the same school? (And thanks to the two who actually did say "Hello" and to the one who made some very appropriate remarks in Spanish.) Dave promised last night that he would "try to be there for me", then left for work two hours early. After 11 years, I expected this BUT with all the crying I did yesterday; I thought he just might come through for me. It's not his thing...but I was hoping just the same.
I think for right now though, I am fresh out of hope. I'm usually one of those "true believer" personalities. It's helped me to keep going in the face of a LOT of adversity. It's kept me married 11 years. It's kept me active in a church whose doctrine I embrace whole-heartedly, but whose societal "rules" confuse and frustrate me. And right now, I'm tired from all the believing, and trusting, and the hoping things will work out right. The whole school incident tipped the scales, but there has been a lot leading up to this. A lot of disappointment, a lot of loss, and a lot of things that some 15 years later STILL don't make sense to me. For many years, I've been like Natalie Wood's character in Miracle on 34th Street. Sitting in the car saying "I believe, I believe..." as if willing herself to do so. Right now, I feel more like George Bailey on the bridge. No worries, I've got too much stubborn a will to live to make that comparison anything more than a metaphorical one; but I do know it's not Hollywood and that we won't be driving by my dream house in the next ten minutes nor is any angel about to tell me how sad people would be had I never been born. I live in the real world and it doesn't work like that. Right now, I'm not sure how it does work. All I know is that I'm tired of believing in things that never work out like I want them to and I've had about my fill of it for today. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better. And if it's not, I'll spare you all another angsty blog post about it. I promise.
14 comments:
That stinks. Those people need to grow up.
Melessa, you are definitely an important person who has impacted many many people. There would be a huge gaping hole in the planet without your presence. Please don't forget that.
When the babysitter that I had lined up for Ellie (my first year back to work) changed her mind and quit, I was lucky enough to find someone who offered to watch her. Her daughter was in the same class as Ellie, so she picked them up together and had them until I picked her up. She did this for $35 a day. It was such a blessing.
My point to this is that something good may come. A better situation may just fall from the sky before you know it. Though, its a real shame that you had this drop on you at the last minute.
Hang in there.
Don't dare stop posting about it. Get it OUT of your system here. Healthy release. No more George Bailey references, please. :)
Wish I was there to buy you some fluffy drink and give you a hug.
2007 was a year full of those days for me, seemed like. I questioned all the effort I made with anything, the people I thought I knew, the friendships I thought were solid, the values I thought I had. This year didn't start out much better, and I wasn't far from waving my white flag and I didn't even know what that would mean for me. Reading this reminded me so much of those feelings.
But the year eventually turned around and I plucked all the things that mattered out of that maelstrom of crap and just let the rest spin away. I hope you find that place, too.
I ditto Tee. Been there, still partly there. I have to keep reminding myself that there is a lesson in all this.
The people who truly love and care for you will be there.
CHEEP!
Emily-The one person who continues to be my friend through all of this mess is willing to watch her through the rest of the week even though it's her freakin' vacation. There may be something that can be done after all, though. I'm looking into it.
Not sure I believe you about the gaping hole, but I love you for saying it.
el-e-e-Thanks for sticking with this blog through all my many moods. Wish I could take you up on the drink and the hug.
tee-I thought a lot about your experiences last year when I was writing this out earlier today. Maybe this is yet another adult rite of passage? If so, I'd have been happier to skip it.
Lonna-CHEEP! Right back at ya! Maybe we should move FRED to Labor Day? (I know it's already a moving heaven and earth proposition to get as many of us together as we do in August, I just wish I was seeing you all a bit sooner.)
Melessa, you are obviously loved by many people, and I urge not to give up "hoping and believing" that things will work out. They do, I promise.
Thanks your majesty! And I love you too!
As trite as it might sound, I sincerely hope you find a way to keep "hoping and believing" even though you want to give up. With all these doors being shut on you, there's bound to be a window opening up soon ... hopefully one better than you ever imagined.
I'm hoping a window opens up in our life, too, since the PhD my husband has been working towards for the last 5 years might become a Master's degree instead.
I'll keep you in my prayers!
I think it's time for you to start yelling at people. It's not a course of action I usually recommend (yes, it's usually unconstructive), and I'm really bad at doing it myself, but you're exhausted and people aren't listening and you seriously need to vent some of that frustration. I'm pretty sure you'll feel better afterward. Start with the school, and move on from there.
if there's anything i can do to help while you work your way towards a permanent solution please let me know.
watching two extra kids for six weeks this summer lets me know that i cannot be the permanent solution (useful info to have but a real drag when i was in the thick of it!) but i am more than capable of lending a hand.
that is, if you trust me with your little lady. you know how wacky we are! :)
eliz
Aw hon, I'm sorry things are so hard right now. I've been thinking of you. I hope something can be worked out, and I agree with Anne, don't be afraid to lose it momentarily.
And hey, soon you'll be up here in the beautiful PNW, where it's currently raining and 63 degrees. Woohoo! ;o) Here is something funny from our newspaper to cheer you up:
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/ronjudd/2008118991_olyjudd17.html
Shoot - here is the rest of the url
ronjudd/2008118991_olyjudd17.html
{{{Melessa}}} I'm so sorry, honey. You are such an amazing person and you deserve better from life. The key difference is, you know this, too. And if you want better, you will receive it. I wish you didn't have to wade through so much crap to get there, though. Love you.
Ordinary Mom-Your husband's troubles are WAY worse than mine. (Dad got a PhD as have many of my friends.) I hope you find your window soon!
Anne-I managed to resolve things without yelling and that was probably for the best-even though I think it was called for too.
Elizabeth-THANK YOU! I would happily trust you with my "little lady," but fortunately for you-we found an alternative. She would still love to play with Nicholas (and Emily in case Belinda is lurking here...and Sandy and Maggie in case Fay sees this...)anytime!
Libby-Oh yes, that DID make me laugh. And then it made my co-workers laugh too! See you soon!
Toni-What's the saying? "When God hands you crap, plant a good garden?" Working on it...
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