My son has issues. At the age of 9 we know several things about him. We know he is not autistic. We know he does not have Asperger's. We know that his teachers don't think he is AD/HD, but possibly ADD (I have been questioning this more and more lately). While I do not envy parents of children with those issues, I have to admit that sometimes I envy their diagnoses and treatment plans. Seven years later, Dave and I are still 'winging it' with our son. And 'winging it' has never been my strong suit.
In no particular order, Tristan's issues include inappropriate anger, excessive crying, fear of pooping (yes...still, though we have good and bad cycles with it), struggles with disciplinary boundaries (beyond what is normal), and being a classic underachiever at school despite high test scores. I thought a new school and a younger teacher would bring out something better in him, but I was wrong. He cries about having no friends, yet he pushes, shoves, and lashes out at his classmates and seems to go out of his way to make himself unloveable. Having been to my fair share of parent/teacher conferences, I can always tell when one of his teachers is "done" with him. It took longer to wear her down than it has in the past, but I can tell that even this teacher who I liked and trusted so much more than most of them has finally had it with him. Part of me really doesn't blame her.
Dave has given up completely on disciplining him or trying to help me find out what's wrong. He allows him to play endless games on the DS or the computer because it keeps him quiet. So, the task of disciplining him falls to me. Over and over and over again. It makes me tired. I have a baby who still isn't sleeping completely through the night, I am already tired. Today in church I only had to order him back into his seat about 10 times, it was a personal triumph. Fortunately for Tristan, there is another boy who just moved in and forgot to take his AD/HD meds today. It made Tristan look very good for once. The bad news was it fell to me to sit with the AD/HD kid who pushed, shoved, and head-butted me repeatedly to see if I would react. I knew how to deal with it, because I am well-trained as a non-reactive parent. (And also, Tristan has never acted out THAT much so maybe his teachers are right to rule out AD/HD.) Sometimes it seems unfair to me that I get to deal with other people's difficult children at church when my house has one of its own. But I know others have to do likewise.
I love my son and I know he loves me. I am proud of his intelligence, his sense of humor, his fierce love and devotion to his mother; and his ability to keep his room clean (which his sisters do NOT). But I cringe at every exchange with his teacher (Thursday was incredibly bad), at his behavior at church and other public places, and at the way he smells when his big poop fear catches up with him at an inopportune moment. I hate that he never has friends, I both completely understand and completely resent the way other adults see him. I am scared that his classmates' pleasure in finding and pushing his buttons now will only lead to scarier things as he gets older. Part of me wants to keep him home and safe with me all day every day. Another part of me fears that if I can't teach him to cope with social situations now, it will only be worse as he gets older. I am exhausted by raising him. I am enthralled by raising him. He is my son and we will ride this out together.
10 comments:
You have my prayers. I hope your family gets some answers soon.
I know how difficult it can be when you are searching for some kind of diagnosis. Being able to give it a name and start on a track to recovery or management is a huge load off.
My parents were "lucky." (I guess, but not really.) My brother's diagnosis of severe ADHD came whenever he was very, very young and they could pinpoint some of the first indications to back when he was 18 months old. Unreal. Now that I work in a school I see so many situations that are worse. You know what I mean.
Is it possible that there is some emotional disturbance? I'm sure you've asked yourself all the questions. I know that in my life something traumatic happened on the periphery of our family and scarred me. From that moment on I was a different person and experienced a lot of the things you mentioned Tristan going through. Of course, back then the attitude was to brush it under the rug.
You are doing your son a great service by being proactive while he's so young.
Don't give up on him. I know you won't. I love you. You go, girl.
Thinking about you and your family, Melessa. Sarah was 9 when she got her autism (spectrum, PDD-NOS) diagnosis and I completely agree...it's horrible to spend all those years knowing something's not right, but to have no idea where to begin finding out what's wrong.
Have you had any luck with regular counseling or therapies? If you haven't pursued that yet, maybe it's a good time to check it out. I wish I'd done that earlier than I did for sure.
My heart goes out to you. I completely understand. We had James tested for a myriad of different things I suspected. It was wonderful when we finally found the right diagnosis. And even more wonderful when we won the 2-year battle against the school. I'm sure you've researched all sorts of diagnoses. So I'm not even going to bother giving you suggestions -- I know from experience you're not going to want to hear them because you've already thought of them all. The good thing is, though, he's got a mom that CARES. So many kids who need extra help don't have that. I hope with all my heart that you can find a good behaviorist. I know seeing a counselor has also helped us. Is he on an IEP? Here in TX, mine was kicked out of spec ed because he was too smart, but with the help of a couple good teachers/specialists who believed me (and an actual diagnosis for proof) and LOTS of persistence, he finally got back in and the behaviorist (which you have to be in spec ed to see) has made ALL the difference at school. My understanding of how my son's mind works helps a hundredfold too. And there is no one that can understand your son's mind better than you. Good luck and don't give up. Tristan is lucky to have a mom like you.
Sending lots of hugs, and hopes that you will find a diagnosis or someone who can help.
My heart goes out to you. Just reading through the other posts, my thoughts are along the lines of Tee's. Outside counseling as a start which seems to be what you are headed towards. I hope you get answers soon. Thinking of you!!
I'm sorry it's so hard, sweetie. He is such a beautiful boy. You are the best mom for him, and I hope you can get a diagnosis that helps him, and you.
Love you!
What kind of evaluations have you had done? I recommend the OU Child Study Center.
I applaud you for being so honest about your son and his issues and your feelings about him. My oldest daughter is my "difficult" child. For a long time I blamed myself for many of her issues, but now that I have more children I can see that she was different right from birth. Her issues don't seem to be as severe as your son's, but I understand how hard it is and how exhausting it can be to deal with.
I'd recommend counseling/therapy for him (and for you, too). I hope you're able to resolve some of his problems, or at least find a way to deal with them effectively. Good luck, Melessa and keep us updated!
I had very, VERY similar issues with one of my children, and also the same frustration with no diagnosis. You've probably heard all this before, but we found my son's biggest problem was some food allergies, dairy and corn, in his case. He was a fine, loving, intelligent kid until he had cheese or, God forbid, Doritos... then he was like a raving lunatic. Sudden, inappropriate anger or tears were the most common reactions; then, when the allergy "wore off," he would be remorseful. Broke our hearts.
A book that was helpful to me during this time was "Is This Your Child" by Doris Rapp. If you've gone through the autism / ADHD stuff, the food allergy idea probably isn't new to you, but I thought I'd bring it up, just in case. Specialized diets seem so intimidating, but it really wasn't as bad as it sounds. We kept our son dairy- and corn-free for a few years, then were able to give him digestive enzymes at regular meals to control symptoms. He's in high school now, off enzymes and the diet, and functions fine academically and socially. He's still more emotional than my other children, but while the symptoms were controlled, we were able to train him to recognize them, and strategies to get through episodes without tantrums, crying, etc.
Good luck with everything.
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